you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!