Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?