you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
