I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
