fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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