"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
