Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
