He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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