Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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