He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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