Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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