are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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