I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
