Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
