I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
