Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
