just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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