Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
