His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
