**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.