new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator