the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
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boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.