high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
