Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
