you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
