you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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