he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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