I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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