I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
they need to just BURY HIM!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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