What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
