You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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