what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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