did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
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you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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