My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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