i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
