I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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