She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
