She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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