yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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