his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
