I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
