Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
