There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
