i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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