I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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