He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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