***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
