there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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