Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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