my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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