Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
