dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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