he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
