i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
