dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
