I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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