Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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